


feelings: a guidebook

by fated_addiction



Category: EXO (Band), K-pop, Korean Actor RPF, Real Person Fiction, SM Entertainment | SMTown, f(x)
Genre: Dating, F/M, Feelings, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-01
Updated: 2016-08-01
Packaged: 2018-07-28 18:53:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7652842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fated_addiction/pseuds/fated_addiction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>The worst part about being someone's significant other - she feels weird, thinking of herself that way - is listening to dial tones.</i>
</p><p>Soojung, injuries, dating, and everything in between.</p>
            </blockquote>





	feelings: a guidebook

**Author's Note:**

> This is gross and fluffy, but I have feelings and someone kindly asked me to go the distance to see how grossly fluffy I could get and so here I am.
> 
> Because, well. FEELINGS.

-

 

 

Jessica throws her phone across the room.

"Catch," she laughs, and Soojung glares, fumbling as it hits the tips of her fingers and tumble into the bed.

" _Yah_." Soojung picks it up. "What even - go shower because I'm hungry and you promised food. Actual food."

Her sister rolls her eyes with a dismissive hand, disappearing into the bathroom. It's a New York work trip for Jessica; Soojung just jumped at the opportunity for the time off before her schedule packed itself together again. She loves New York, has always been attracted to the anonymity of it; behind her, the city stretches into the window of the hotel room, fitting into the glass and ready to swallow her with busy streets and crowds of buildings.

"Did you read it!" Jessica yells from the bathroom.

"Read _what_?" she yells back, peeling her gaze away from the window and dropping onto the bed.

"Your phone!"

Soojung rolls her eyes. She has been trying to stay away from her phone and maintain a low key profile - not that she's as involved as the other girls, but she still fights the urge to reply to every negative comment she sees, not on her accounts but on her members and her sister. It's a problem, she always says.

"What about it," she mutters, and turns her phone on, greeting too many text messages and a billion more news alerts. "There's a lot of stuff..."

Jessica peeks out of the bathroom, fumbling with a curler. "You're the worst," she teases. "What if it's important?"

"You're too attached to your phone!"

Jessica's reply is lost to the door closing and Soojung scrolls through her messages, mostly Amber updating her on everything she ever does. There's work things, more comeback things, meeting things - If she could lose her cellphone, she would, Soojung thinks. Sometimes she's teased a lot about it, but she's always been proud of her ability to just disconnect from everyone. It makes life a little less hectic.

But then the article alert pops up.

"EXO's Kai re-injures -" she reads halfway into her heart pounding, launching itself into her throat and tightening. Her face is hot and she reads the words _devastating injury_ , sinking deeper into the bed.

Her fingers hover over the phone. Don't be an idiot, she thinks. _Don't_.

But her heart doesn't stop pounding.

The worst part about being someone's significant other - she feels weird, thinking of herself that way - is listening to dial tones. The first one hits her ear and she breathes. Part of her is aware of the fact that she went ahead and found his number without thinking. The second ring happens though, then third, maybe another two and she's cursing under her breath, making a fist in the bed with her nails digging into the blankets.

Her head feels a little heavy. She hears the shower finally turn on. The voicemail distracts her.

"- hey -" There's a laugh and she swallows. "- it's me! Shut up, hyung. This is just so _corny_."

Soojung grabs a fistful of the blankets, dragging it over her legs. She waits. She feels like fleeing. The voicemail message ends and she sighs into her response.

"Hey." She pauses. Then she laughs awkwardly, rubbing the back of her head. "So, um, are you okay -" Soojung winces and bites her lip. "I'm literally the worst girlfriend," she says, cringing. "Just.. call me when you can, okay? I should be back home in a couple of days or so. Should I send the eonnis to check on you or -"

Jessica emerges from the bathroom, pulling off her shower cap. One of the curlers snags in the plastic and she huffs, glaring in the mirror. Soojung turns away.

"Just call me," she mumbles.

It's awkward.

 

 

 

 

 

Naturally she is distracted the entire day.

It's easy (she's _so_ lying) to put on a face and smile appropriately for some family and friends. She even escapes at some point during Jessica's meeting, goes to her mini-schedule for a shoot and lies her way through like a profession, checking her phone between each photo break because she's worried and it's stressing her out.

"He's alive, right?" she blurts when Amber calls, who only laughs like the world's best BEST friend that she is.

"Yah - he's not dead," Amber replies dryly. "The doctors are looking at his injury. He's still going to perform as planned as of now. They probably took his phone and are monitoring it for his parents."

Soojung groans. She's covered in soft, willowy making and contrasting clothes. She looks like f(x)'s Krystal in the mirror; the photograph is fixing up the camera for the next half of her shoot.

"I'm literally the worst girlfriend in the world."

Amber snorts. "You're not. Go eat something."

"I'm at work," she shoots back. She glares at herself in the mirror. "I've left him messages. I even called Junmyeon-oppa."

"They're all pretty preoccupied," Amber is gentle. "I'm sure someone will get back to you. You don't suck. Much."

She growls. "You're _totally_ being helpful right now."

"Listen," Amber cuts in, and Soojung wants to throw her phone into the mirror, then mirror over the set, and sure, it's overreacting but her frustration is building inside the pit of her stomach and feels like she's losing it a little. "You're panicking," Amber distracts her again. "I'm not really the best at this, but here goes -" Amber takes a deep breath. Laughter crawls into her voice. "You're super cute, right now, worrying about him and I'm sure, if I see him, I'm going to totally rat you out, about how you are totally acting like a drama stereotype right now -"

"I hate _you_."

"You don't though," Amber replies. "Call him again."

They hang up again. There's a call for the set as almost ready and she fumbles with her phone again, redialing Jongin's number because texting doesn't even cross her mind.

It's summer and she should be hyper-aware of everything, as she's standing her at work. She tries not to rub her eyes. She waves at her set assistant, smiling a little as she ducks around the corner in mid-dial, of course, because she's trying to think and it's so not going well.

"Hey," she says breathlessly, drawing herself back to the present. She leans against the wall. "I'm worried. I know this is probably obnoxious and you're probably over humanity because they're poking and prodding you, or whatever, but I'm trying to be a good girlfriend? I think? Is this what I'm supposed to do?"

She pauses because her mind feels blank, entirely too blank, words are sort of there, but it's kind of robotic as her mouth moves and she starts telling about the inane things of her day, small stupid stories and all the things that she's had to eat during the day so far.

Her voice starts to even out, but grows smaller, softer as she covers her eyes a little.

"I'm worried," she finally says. "I miss you. I'm not saying that to make you feel better, but I'm worried and I miss you and the two things are starting to blur together because I can't think and all I want to do is say the appropriate thing. So..." She swallows a little. "Call me back?"

"Krystal!"

Soojung sighs. "Please," she finishes.

It takes a minute for her to gather herself.

 

 

 

 

 

Jessica gets in late. They have room service. Her sister tucks in early; there is a movie playing in the background, something about falling in love, something about art or whatever - she's not even really paying attention and the remote is lost. She keeps thinking about what she would do if she was there: call his parents, maybe, sneak into the hospital, _maybe_ , and try and just be there. Probably awkwardly too.

Her phone shudders in the bed.

Her eyes widen and she glances next to her, listening to Jessica sigh softly and then turning under her blankets. The movie morphs against the wall and Soojung grabs her phone, sneaking out into the balcony with her jacket.

"Hi."

There is a pause on the other line. "Hi."

Her mouth feels dry. Her teeth picks at her lip.

"I -" Soojung sighs. "Are you - it's pretty silly to ask you. I'm sure you want to punch a wall. Or something. I would."

"You're rambling," Jongin says lightly. His voice is warm and he laughs a little. It presses ease into her shoulders and she slides into her sweatshirt, shifting to sit on one of the balcony chairs by the door. 

"I'm worried," she corrects.

He sighs. He's quiet. She hears blankets rustling. She thinks to ask if he's gone back to the dorms.

"I have to rest," he tells her slowly, as if he's trying to think of the right answer. There's frustration laced underneath it. "The doctor said that I should have probably... waited to comeback this year too."

There is no right thing to say back. Her mouth opens. Then it closes too. It's the life of an idol; injuries just expedite your particular timeline.

"Are your parents there?"

Jongin laughs a little. "Yeah. They went to get coffee."

"Good," she manages. "You shouldn't be alone."

"I'm not," he promises her. "Tell me about your day - how is your sister? And New York?"

"I sent you a picture," she teases.

He snorts. "Of your thumb? Yeah, I got that one."

"I have a very nice thumb, you know."

"It's a little chubby," he retorts and she shrieks, covering her mouth with a hand as he laughs on the other line. "I'm teasing you!"

"Jerk." The corners of her mouth turn. "You'll have to wait for me to get back to see my pictures. We need something to talk about, you know."

Jongin laughs again. "We do."

The tension in her shoulders is still there. It relaxes a light as she pulls her hood up, tucking her legs underneath her. A shadow appears behind her and moves back - Jessica must be up, she thinks. She checks her watch and feels a little guilty for the noise.

"Tell me what you see," he says then, voice soft and a little sleepy. She tries not to think about him in the hospital, the starkness that he must be seeing alone, until his parents come back to the room.

Her lips feel a little dry.

"The city," she says simply. She shrugs as if he could see her. "It's not like Vegas," she says too. "There's a lot of lights. It looks like everything is moving too. I can see the train station from my room."

"You're wearing a jacket?"

Soojung laughs warmly. "Only one of us can worry at a time, oppa. It's summertime."

"Whatever," he says.

They get quiet again and she listens to him more then the city, the hum of his breathing that is drowning out the rest of the world for her. It sounds exactly as she chants in her head: in and out, in and out, in and out. 

She lifts her hand and stretches out in front of her, flexing her fingers and then clutching them into a loose fist. She tries to imagine his hand in response.

"Take care of yourself."

This is abrupt. Soojung blinks, startled. There are voices on the other line. She's alert again. Her hand drops and twists in her sweatshirt. There is a knock on the window behind her. Her head drops back and Jessica makes a sleepy motion back towards the bed.

"I will," she murmurs. Her throat burns. She can think of nothing more to say. See you soon. _Take care_. There's a million different responses.

But then he's gone, just like that.

 

 

 

 

 

Reality bites. From New York, she goes to LA for a couple of days - mostly to see Amber secretly perform at her concert and buy burgers, then to her parents' house so that she can greet more relatives since they see Jessica more because of all her traveling.

Suddenly it's August though and she's back in an airport, landing with sunglasses as her manager walks in stride with her, phone against his ear as they try to get their bags as soon as the fans decide. She steels herself for the comments: she didn't stop and greet us, she was cold, she looked tired and sad and -

It's the part that she hates.

"Here," her manager says, interrupting her thoughts and handing her a tea from somewhere. She smiles gratefully and he pulls at the end of her braid. "Don't thank me yet," he says. "We still have to get to the car."

He's right. It's a bit of blur: with bags, to the elevators, into the elevators and then out into a sea of camera flashes and mess of her names. There are fans too, of course, shoving gifts into her hands which overwhelms her with panic. She never knows what to do; it's not that she's not grateful and she's certainly no pro like all of her eonnis, but so many people around her without being contained is both scary and overwhelming, so she ends up looking just lost and upset without meaning to.

Her manager grabs her hand. Someone grabs her bag too and then they're into the parking garage, disappearing to the next floor and leaving the sounds of people behind.

"You okay?"

Soojung nods. "I think so." She adjusts her hair under a cap when he hands her one, watching as he pushes her bags into the van.

"Go in," her manager says, and she obeys, eyes widening when the door opens and one of EXO's managers slide out with a shy grin.

"Hey," he greets too, bowing. "We'll give you some time before we start driving around?"

"What," she blurts out, "like a car date?"

Laughter comes from the car. The sound of Jongin's voice makes her want to burst; her face flushes and her hand is already on the door handle without waiting.

"I think you two are already well past that stage," his manager says, amused.

She grins a little and opens the door, sliding inside. She's immediately mindful of his ankle, the cluster of crutches, and - it's weird still, even months into this - her boyfriend sitting in the backseat with flowers resting in his lap.

"You're a nerd," she mutters.

His smile is bright. "Sorry not sorry though."

It's a moment without her being aware - just until the door slides close behind her, the sounds of the managers' voices echoing in the parking garage with some distance. She lets out breath she didn't even know she was holding, finally, and then leans forward, grabbing at Jongin's hands before planting a clumsy kiss against the corner of his mouth.

She feels him smile in response. His fingers gather at the nape of her neck. "Wanna try again?"

She hits his chest. "Listen," she says, pulling back a little and she relaxes as his fingers begin to rub into her hair. "I am trying here. You do know that me being chic is... like an optical illusion."

"Says you," he teases, and he leans in, pulling her forward. She shifts off her seat into his, awkwardly twisting her body as his mouth covers hers.

She can't remember the last time she kissed him. It's not fair. It's not something she thinks about either. This kiss is a little less clumsy though: they bump noses, it's tentative, and his hand drops to her shoulder blades, his thumb shifting and tracing along the line of her collar too. She feels like she's relearning his mouth; has it been that long, she wonders, and swallows his sigh, laughing a little when he bites at her lip.

"I'm not broken," he says seriously, and his eyes are overwhelming as he shifts back, only slightly. His fingers come to rest against her jaw. She wonders if he's saying this for her. "I just needed to know that."

Soojung smiles softly. She shrugs, then leans in and grabs his fingers, her mouth pressing into his palm.

"I didn't say you were."

He shakes his head. "I know." He sighs a little. "I didn't call you because I didn't want you to worry. I also was surrounded by so many people worrying about me, then worrying a little about me and how that would impact -"

"You don't have to explain," she cuts him off, reaching for the flowers in his lap. They're blue, somewhat translucent in the weird light of the car and the parking garage that sort of sneaks in through a crack in the window. "I just -" She doesn't know how to explain this, she thinks. Her teeth press into her lip. "I know how you are. I know you're probably shouldering the blame about your injury. I know how they depend on you and vice versa. I just... there's a lot of you and then there's only one of _you_ and everyone can tell you to not take that on, but you will anyway. Because you're you and that's not how this works."

She stops. Maybe abruptly. She's never sure when she goes on these tangents; he's watching her, sort of wide-eyed and then she's hit with the urge to just disappear.

"I needed that," he murmurs. He stares at her intently. She can't really tell what the expression is; she's still learning. There's no map for this.

Soojung shrugs, turning her head in embarrassment.

"That's what I'm here for," she says dryly, and he laughs.

He doesn't kiss her again. She's sort of disappointed, but he does drag her into sitting next to him, shifting carefully so that he rests his head into her lap. Soojung bites back a laugh, but can't hide her smile and sinks her fingers into his hair, stroking it back and out of her face.

There's no time for how long they sit there. The flowers are on the car floor when their managers come back, sliding into the front seats as they prepare to come home and back to the dorms. She's okay with this, she thinks, watching him for a moment and then turning her head as she feels him sink into her. She listens: there's the low music in the front, the conversation between the managers, and then the sound of his breathing, just as he starts to relax.

It's weird, but it's only thing she thinks -

Soojung is home.


End file.
